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How to Be a Pirate: Eye Patches
Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer. Announcer: AAARGH! up on the title And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo coming from Dead Skull’s Pub! We dissolve to inside the pub as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig (and an eye patch over his right eye, though, as the skit progress, it doesn‘t cover the eye very well) and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera. Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! beat Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard. And I’m here to teach ya his glass to us How To Be a Pirate. off-screen Isn’t that right, boys? patrons react disinterestedly. Ahh, they love me. Today, out of shot to see his beer on the counter we’re gonna be looking at… his eye patch with his finger as a caption bottom-screen says: EYE PATCHES. An eye patch is a great thing for a pirate to have cuz it shows you that… you lost an eye! Preferably in battle. It doesn’t have to be in battle, though. It can be through many another way. Like up you were combing your eyelashes with a fork. Trying to smell the fart of a porcupine! Putting on a contact with a flamethrower. All sorts of various ways! off screen-left Isn’t that right, Brian? Brian: Don’t make eye contact with me! BDB: back at us Ah, ya twat. Keeper of a lotta secrets as well. I don’t wanna give away too much, but let’s just say he goes from a Mr. Potato Head to a Mrs. Potato Head pretty 'quickly. Now, there’s been some controversy about wearin’ an eye patch, especially if you haven’t lost an eye. Well, that’s just pussy-pansy-pathetic! Pirates need to lose an eye. They see the world in an entirely different manner. In that they only see '''half '''of it. And for all those crying, ''his fists to mock crying “I don’t want to lose an eye!”, for cryin’ out loud, ya have another one! That’s why God gave ya '''two! off-screen right Am I not right, Angela? Angela: Get a job, ya creep! BDB: back at us Ah, ya bitchsicle. Though, to her credit, she is as hot as an oven. In case of impotence, nine out of ten doctors recommend her. But so many people bitch and moan about losing their eye, like it’s unhealthy or something. Come on! Millions of Americans lose it to Lasik eye surgery every day! But not me. I lost me eye fighting a grizzly bear! and looks up to think And a squid! A grizzly squid! He took out me eye with his tentacle… up his hand to mimic chattering… teeth. Don’t believe me? Just ask McMasters. overhead left Isn’t that right, McMasters? McMasters: You look like a child molester! BDB: I hope ya die of cancer! back at us Bloody pervert. He’ll sleep with anything that can drink Mickey. Now there arrr some disadvantages ta only having one eye. to come up with one For example, glasses won’t work. Ya can’t look at Magic Eye pictures anymore. Hypnotism only works half the time. And it’s virtually impossible to wink. But, needless to say, it still looks cool! I recommend everybody ta lose their eye at least once! Twice, and… you’ll be blind. And probably retarded. Not a good combo. Now I know what you’re saying: “Black Dog Bill, you didn’t lose that eye! I can so clearly see it under your eye patch.” to come up with a retort Well, mine grew back. It’s that rare eye-popping-back disease that only I have. down at the floor It’s my cross at bear. off screen-right Right, Allison? Allison: You smell like a sewer. BDB: Aye, ya cock magnet. back at us Woman’s so boring, she’s put more people to sleep than the Catholic Church. Aargh, they act like they hate me; off-screen to retrieve his beer but, in reality, they love me. For I know the stories of Bloodbeard Joe. Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?! they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and forth, addressing the crowd Bill: Shall I tell ya the stories of Bloodbeard Joe? patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time They say Bloodbeard Joe is so intimidating that even his own beard has a wanted poster. patrons are pleased They say Bloodbeard Joe is so deadly that he‘s killed more people than any religion. Hooray! They say he‘s so infamous that he shoots lightning out his nostrils and pisses lasers out his Johnson. laugh They say every time one of Bloodbeard Joe’s men dies in battle, he raises him from the grave and kills them himself just to be them not to be so incompetent. are pleased They say he uses one of King Kong’s testicles as a basketball. laugh Bloodbeard Joe is so incredible that Chuck Norris makes up facts about him! shout Ha, ha, ha! They say that Bloodbeard Joe keeps his cannonballs in his pants, so you can guess what his cannon is. shout as Bill chuckles and takes a sip of beer His penis. They say Bloodbeard Joe is twice the man he ever was. response as he looks around That’s a good thing! shout Bloodbeard Joe is so mighty that, when all the members of The X-Men tried to fight him, he melded them all together like a human centipede. patrons say, “Ewww” Yah, yah, I know. That- that movie was gross. And I know that Bloodbeard Joe got to America first… just ta piss Christopher Columbus off! ''Hooray!'' Ha! Ha! Ha! So everybody raise a glass he does to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!” Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” at us See ya soon. to take another drink but double-takes when he raises it to his eye patch. He then takes off the patch, which snaps; then he drinks as the announcer speaks: Announcer: This was “How To Be a Pirate.” dissolve to the title card The greatest show that ever… think of something to say, so he just says: Yaaargh. The title fades, and the credits roll, followed by the CA stinger. As a bonus, we see Doug take off the eye patch, realizing that he broke it as he holds it up to the camera. Doug: This thing really just fuckin’ broke. THE END Category:Content Category:Guides